To Be or Not To Be Santa
by cloud1701
Summary: A bit of Christmas fun for you all. Disclaimer: I don't own them, Mark VII does. For fun only, no profit being made.


"Gather around men. I have an announcement from HQ", Captain Stanley called.

"Hey Cap, what's up?" Kelly asked.

"Well if you can hold on for a few more seconds Kelly, I'll tell you and the rest of the crew at the same time."

One by one the crew of Station 51 gathered in the day room. Once they were all assembled and seated at the table, Cap cleared his throat and began.

"I've just been notified that the LA County Fire Department has been asked to participate in the annual holiday parade. In cooperation with the parade organizers and headquarters, it has been decided that this year, the man himself –Santa – will be riding in a bright, shiny red engine."

"Alright!"

"Cool!"

"Fantastic!"

Once the surprise was over, the questions began to fly.

"Now hold on, hold on - if you twits would just shut up, I'll finish the announcement." Cap managed to get out over the noise of his excited crew.

"Yeah, pipe down! I want to hear this." Kelly yelled.

"Chet, you're the one doing all the yammering. Just close your mouth."

"Gage, I'm the one who…"

"ENOUGH. Now gentlemen and I use that term very loosely, may I continue?" Cap raised an eyebrow and looked from Gage to Kelly. Roy did his best to hide his smile behind his coffee cup. Once Cap received mumbled apologies, he began again.

"Now as you all probably guessed, Santa can only ride on one engine. To determine which station will receive that honor, HQ has implemented a contest. The winning station will provide the engine. The winning station will provide the engine. One fireman from the winning station, deemed to have contributed the most assistance in securing this honor, will be playing Santa Claus. Additionally, the engine will tow a small float behind it. The station that comes in second will be manning the float, and the individual who contributed the most the station that comes in second will be manning that one, with the person who contributed the most to the effort costumed as the main character. The remaining crew will be filling in as elves, reindeer, etc. Volunteers from other stations will be used to fill in as needed. Now does anyone have any questions?"

"What kind of contest, Cap?" Kelly asked.

"HQ has decided upon a merit/demerit system. As your Captain I can assign merit points, and demerits if called for, battalion chiefs may also do so either individually or for an entire station. So don't be surprised if we see a surprise inspection or two. I'll post the ways to earn merit points –and ways to lose them - on the bulletin board as soon as we're done here."

Kelly turned to Gage with a smug look. "Gage, if you're very good I might make you one of my reindeer. You're too tall for an elf."

"Now just a minute, what makes you think I won't be the one playing Santa?" Johnny replied.

"Well, its obvious isn't it? With all the trouble you get yourself into, I'm betting Roy and the rest of us will get lots of merit points just for saving your butt. Just don't go getting so many demerits that you pull the whole station down with you."

As Johnny started sputtering, Cap broke in, "Kelly do you want to be the first person on this crew to receive a demerit?"

"Ah Cap, you know I'd make a better Santa. I have the mustache already, plus who ever saw Santa wearing feathers?"

With that statement, Kelly made an expeditious exit from the room. Gage wasn't far behind him. Cap rolled his eyes heavenward, gave a sigh and retreated to his office. The remaining crew looked at each other.

Finally Marco broke the silence that had descended. "Anyone interested in competing with Chet and Johnny for the Santa suit?"

"Nope. I just hope whatever schemes those two come up with to outdo the other doesn't wind up with us becoming the station that acquires the most demerits." Roy replied as he drained his coffee cup.

"I figure if we win, someone will still have to drive the engine, so that's where I plan on being." Mike said.

"You know, if they go all out to get the most merit points, we might not be doing many chores around here", Marco said with a sly grin.

Slowly Roy and Mike started smiling. This could work to their advantage. No one saw that Cap was standing in the doorway. Before they noticed him, he quietly returned to his office and sat down at his desk.

And so it began…

A long two weeks this promised to be,  
As he tried to keep from losing his cool for all to see.  
Cap just sat down and put his head in his hands,  
If he was lucky, he would survive the plots and plans,

Alas, he arose to face the craziness to come,  
And re-entered the bay he had just emerged from  
And what to his wondering eyes did appear,  
But two shiny clean fire trucks and a keg of root beer.

Mike, Roy, and Marco toasted the feat,  
As Chet roared that Johnny he would defeat.  
But the gleam in Johnny's eyes did declare,  
That he would win this fight, fair, if not square.

Later as the men adjourned to their dinner,  
Discover they did this contest really made them the winner,  
For Johnny was playing waiter,  
With a seven course meal he had catered.

Marco declared at the table that this was the best,  
And Chet dazzled by his desire to win the quest,  
Cleaned up the dishes and scrubbed up all the spots.  
And quick as a whistle he began washing the pots, 

Day after day, Chet and John sought acclaim,  
And the scores kept rising as a result of this game,  
Roy, Marco, and Mike sat back with their feet up,  
The station was clean and all decorated, even their pup.

Outside lights festooned the station with glee,  
A sleigh, eight tiny reindeer, and even a tree,  
Until finally the two weeks was up  
And Cap, tired of the affair, yelled "ENOUGH"

Day after day, Chet and John sought the acclaim,  
And the scores kept rising as a result of this game,  
Roy, Marco, and Mike sat back with their feet up,  
The station was clean and all decorated, even their pup.

Outside lights festooned the station with glee,  
A sleigh, eight tiny reindeer, and even a tree,  
Until finally the two weeks was up  
And Cap, tired of the affair, yelled "ENOUGH"

He helped Henry out of the antlers that had been tied to his head.  
And went in search of the twits who decorated his bed.  
Roy, Mike and Marco, their faces did fall,  
The past two weeks had been great, a ball!

All that remained was to crown the winner,  
It was end of the fun and time for Christmas dinner.  
The numbers were tallied and the counts were all in,  
And surely it looked as if Gage would win.

Until bad luck on Johnny converged  
Alas thePhantom had emerged!  
Quick as only a prankster could be  
He set his trap and started to flee.

Unbeknownst to the Phantom, Station 51 and 110 were in a dead heat for first place. To settle the matter, Chief McConnike prepared one last surprise inspection.

"Good Morning Chief. We weren't expecting you this morning." Captain Stanley greeted McConnike.

"Well it wouldn't be much of a surprise inspection if I warned you I was coming now would it?"

"Nope, I guess it wouldn't."

At that moment, a loud crash was heard throughout the station. With one exception, the crew ran towards the location of the noise – the lockers. As they entered the room, Chief McConnike could not believe the sight that met his eyes. Johnny was sprawled on the floor and everywhere he looked, flakes were falling. They were slowly covering Johnny and every surface.

"Gage, explain!"

"Uh, Chief. I didn't know you were coming by today." McConnike just stared.

"Well you see I was just, the laundry detergent, I mean, it sort of …"

"And the box hanging from the ceiling? I suppose you have an equally eloquent reason for that too?"

"No sir. I don't." Johnny said dejectedly.

"Well then, sinceit's not 8:00am and there are still 10 minutes left in the contest, I think you just earned 5 demerits for yourself and the station. Now get this mess cleaned up before someone else slides and falls!"

"Hank, I trust this won't happen again?"

"No sir, it definitely won't." As Captain Stanley followed his Chief out of the room, he mouthed, "Find Kelly NOW!"

Roy pulled Johnny to feet.

"You OK partner?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Lemme go"

"Oh man, Chet is going to be on latrine duty for the rest of life." Marco said to the room in general.

Johnny ripped the box from the ceiling and sat down abruptly on the bench.

"I was gonna win this thing. But thanks to the Phantom, Chet is ahead now."

"Come on Johnny, its not so bad. We don't even know if the station was in the lead or not. Besides, we all know you could have ratted out Chet so you could win, but didn't." Marco told Johnny.

"Yeah, Chet isn't the winner here. You are." Mike affirmed.

"Come on, I'll help you get this cleaned up and we can head home. Why don't you join me for breakfast? Joanne will be happy to see you."

"Marco, we better go find Chet for Cap."

"I have an idea where he is Mike. "

Both Mike and Marco gave Johnny a quick pat on the back as they left.

Silently Johnny and Roy cleaned up the flakes and then they too headed out.

Before the start of the next shift, all the men were gathered in day room enjoying coffee and chatting with the other shift. Their two Captains seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood.

Captain Stanley cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"We have a special announcement for all of you. HQ has declared the stations that will be representing the LA County Fire Department in the holiday parade. Gentlemen, we are one of those stations."

Cheering broke out among the men, except for Johnny. He knew Chet would be playing Santa Claus. Roy put a comforting arm around his dejected friend.

Captain Hammer called the men to order. "I told Hank, that we would stick around a little longer so that Mr. Kelly here could model his costume for all of us."

With that statement Captain Stanley picked up the box he had left beside the couch and handed to Chet.

"Here you go Chet. Congratulations. I have to say that you earned this."

Chet had the grace to look ashamed.

"Uh, Cap, I really think Gage should be the one…"

"Stop right there. HQ declared you the winner at this station, which means you'll be wearing this. Now go put it on so we all can see you in it."

Chet glanced at Johnny, shrugged his shoulders and left to change. Johnny tried to edge out the back door but Cap spotted his attempt.

"Gage, where do you think you're going?"

"Uh, I was just going to get some fresh air."

"In L.A.? Take a seat. Trust me Gage. You want to be here to see this."

At that moment, Chet came running back in, the box clutched to his chest.

"Cap, there's a problem. This isn't a Santa suit."

"I know it isn't. I never said we came in first. We'll be on the float behind the engine. And you, Mr. Kelly, will be the guest of honor."

"But Cap, I can't…"

"Go change! I told you, you earned this. These men want to go home and they can't do that until you show us your costume."

"Cap!"

"GO!"

Chet looked positively miserable as he exited the room once again.

Johnny was now intensely curious, as were the rest of the men

"Hey Cap, what's in box?" Johnny asked.

"Just wait John, you'll see."

"Is he going to be dressed as Mrs. Claus?" Marco asked.

"Patience, gentlemen. " In a slightly louder tone Cap called out, "Kelly aren't you ready yet? Get your butt in here!"

"Cap, do I have to?"

"Mr. Kelly, your Captain has told you numerous times that you do. Now get in here this instant!" Captain Hammer yelled.

The whole room was so quiet, the men heard Kelly's sigh from the apparatus bay. Slowly Chet emerged in the doorway. All around the table jaws dropped. The shock wore off quickly and the room erupted in laughter. There stood one very embarrassed fireman dressed as the Baby New Year, complete with top hat, a beauty queen type sash and diaper.

"Come on guys! This isn't funny! I can't wear this! Grown men shouldn't wear diapers!" Chet howled.

"You can and you will. The wife of the Fire Chief herself came up with the idea." Cap responded.

Johnny was circling around Chet with a huge grin on his face. In between bouts of laughter, he managed to get out, "I don't know Chet, it seems to suit you."

"I'm not so sure about that Johnny," Marco replied back. "He's the hairiest baby I've ever seen!"

"Maybe he should shave." Mike managed to choke out.

"Chet, you need some lessons on how to put on a diaper. I think the idea is to use pins, not your hands."

""I'll have you know Roy that I stabbed myself trying to get them in the right place!"

"You know, Cap? You were right. He really earned this." Johnny laughed even harder. "Thanks pal. I never thought I'd appreciate a visit from the Phantom until now."

At that remark, Chet spun around and lunged for Gage with both hands.

"CHESTER B. KELLY PUT YOUR DIAPER BACK ON THIS INSTANT!" Captain Stanley bellowed.

Mortified, Chet grabbed his costume from the floor and bolted from the room as uproarious laughter echoed after him.

"OK men, show's over. Roll call in 5 minutes. Thanks for sticking around guys." A still chuckling Captain Stanley made his exit.

"No, thank you for having us stay!" A fireman from B shift replied. Wiping tears from their eyes, the crews slowly left room - each going their separate ways.

"Hey Johnny, I bet you're really glad this is one time Chet came in first."

"You can say that again Marco." Still snickering, Johnny and the rest of A shift proceeded to the bay for roll call.

Despite Chet's numerous protests, pleas, and bribes, he was going to be the Baby New Year. Even the weather refused to cooperate. The day of the parade was unseasonably warm and there wasn't a cloud to be seen. Even worse, all of his friends, fellow firemen, and family couldn't wait to see him in the parade. He was never going to live this down. If by some miracle he managed to forget his upcoming humiliation, he was sure Johnny would remind him. He couldn't put it off any longer. It was time to get dressed, or in his case, undressed.

Chet emerged from the restroom at the parade gathering point to cat calls and cheers from his firemen brothers. In an attempt to retain some dignity, Chet spun around in a slow circle with his arms out.

"That's right laugh it up all you want, I know you're all just jealous because I have the best body for the costume." Chet struck another pose and bowed. Amid the laughter, his crew surged forward and picked up Kelly to carry him to his place of honor on the float.

"Hey guys you don't need to carry me. The float is right over there!" he protested.

"It's no problem, mi amigo. We wouldn't want to you to scare any of the kids if you had another accident with your diaper." Marco teased.

"Yeah, we really don't need a repeat of that." Johnny said. "Once was more than enough. I've had nightmares all week because of it."

"I think we all did." Roy received grins and nods all around.

"Gentlemen, let me just remind you that the entire city will be watching us today, so your best behavior is required." Cap told them.

"Don't worry Cap, we have everything and everyone covered." Mike deadpanned.

"HaHa – easy for you to say Stoker. You're all dressed like you're going to a New Year's Eve party."

"Kelly, just remember, if it wasn't for the Phantom and Gage here not speaking up in his own defense you wouldn't be in this shall we say…prediaperment?"

The crew burst out in quiet laughter as the float started to move into line. All too soon for Kelly the parade began. The crew of Station 51 waved and smiled to the crowds as they wished a Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

Epilogue – approximately 10 months later…

Chet finished cleaning the latrines and headed into the day room to join his buddies for a morning coffee break. He came to a halt when he was greeted by silence and suspiciously innocent faces.

"What's up?" He asked, glancing from face to face.

"Cap was just showing us the new fundraising calendar, Chet. And as you know one of my pictures was chosen for it." He said with a grin, a grin Kelly had learned long ago not to trust.

"So Gage, what was it? A picture of the squad? Or maybe a nice boring shot of your gear?"

"Neither, I'll have you know. I didn't even know the shot was included until Roy told me he put it in the envelope when I wasn't looking."

"That's right Chet. Johnny wasn't going to enter it, so I entered it for him. Mike, Marco and Cap all agreed we should send it in for him. It was too good not to share." Roy told him.

All the crew was looking at Chet now. He promptly grabbed the calendar from Gage.

"All right, what month did you get Gage? Did you get some girl in bikini to pose with squad?"

"Nope, take a look at January."

Suddenly, a feeling of dread came over Chet. The huge smiles around the table did nothing to alleviate it. He figured he should probably sit down before he opened the calendar. Taking a deep breath he looked. There he was on the holiday float – Mr. January.

"Chet, could you autograph it for me?" Johnny teased.

"Yeah Chet, ours too." Marco added.

Chet looked up to see the crew of Station 51 all holding out calendars and pens to him, with the; huge smiles on their faces. He started to bang his head on the table as they laughed.


End file.
